You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
