She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
