If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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