May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
