I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
