dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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