just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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