if only i could text you this smell
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
