Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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