I'm passing your future prison.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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