I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
