I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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