I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
