Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize