Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
