Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i love accidental penises.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
