you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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