I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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