There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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