so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
