Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
