I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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