remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
