I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
BRING THE BAGELS
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
