I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
