my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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