I wish I could teleport
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
