We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
True strength comes from lack of pants
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize