i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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