Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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