Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
