woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
