She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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