Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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