The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
