Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
