I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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