Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
false alarm, still single
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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