Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
