Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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