she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
