in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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