I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
and she was petting her beer can
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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