I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
