So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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