bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
