Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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