dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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