My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
