She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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