I think im going to throw up on grandma
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
