Soap is not a condiment
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize