i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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