You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
