I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
