His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Randomize
