You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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