I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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