At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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