I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize