does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
