Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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