we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
