He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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