I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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