I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize