i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
