I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
